Ah, the holidays! A time for friends, family, and fun! Yet this particular Christmas is equivalent to the year I found out that there is no Santa. I was 8 years old, my parents had just split, and I had to grow up fast to take care of myself so that my dad could work to support me. I had that 1 thing to hang on to. That magical moment was taken away so abruptly and harshly, that the memory of it trumps any others. I guess you could say it was traumatic. I dont remember what exactly sparked an argument with my dad about Christmas. We were standing in the livingroom of the small 1 bedroom furnished apartment we were renting in Staten Island, definitely a step up from the pull out couch in the basement of a family friend's house on "the other side of the island". I think I may have asked about going to see Santa. It most certainly was not my intention to enrage my father, who's temper would go from zero to angry active errupting volcano proportions in a matter of seconds and without warning. He often referred to himself as a "dry drunk". No longer an active drinker, but still managed to have the angry outbursts that alcohol abuse is often responsible for. He did go through an awful lot of listerine and nyquil for someone who didnt seem to be sick or have a problem with halitosis. The next thing I knew, he yelled several "exploitive deleted's" about there not being an effing Santa, that he was Santa, as he pulled a large black plastic trash bag out of the closet, proclaiming his effing Santa status. Throwing it at me, saying here are your effing presents, and Merry Effing Christmas! My worst and most outstanding Christmas memory.
As I had my own children, making new memories, baking cookies, seeing Santa, I was trying to wipe that horrible memory from my mind. Yet every Christmas, it pops up to serve as a reminder that no matter what I am dealing with as a parent, no child deserves to feel that way! I always put "from Santa" on everyone's presents, even my 20 year old's. Even when I had very limited means, I made sure we still made good memories and celebrated the spirit of giving, paying it forward, and helping others. I am so thankful those values have been instilled so deeply. Deeply to the point that my 11 year old said that she had only asked for 1 thing this year because of our "situation" even though she deserves so much more! We usually donate to Toys for Tots, Camp out for Hunger, and a few other local organizations this time of year. And because of my giving nature, I now find myself on the receiving end of such acts of kindness and giving. From the food bank that delivers, to the anonymous angel from Jaylyn's early intervention program who bought her toys and clothes. I am floored at the generosity, and forever grateful although heart broken and ashamed to be in such a lowly state. So sadly this holiday season, I do not have much to give to anyone except hair, so the next local "Locks of Love" event will be getting 10 inches of my ginger locks!
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